Lupa Greenwolf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lupagreenwolf) wrote2012-07-17 12:53 pm
lupagreenwolf) wrote2012-07-17 12:53 pm
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I am ashamed of myself.
This past weekend, I vended at the Mississippi Street Fair here in Portland. Most of my vending has been in relatively "safe" spaces--pagan festivals, faerie festivals, steampunk events, and other subcultural spaces where there are strong undercurrents of weirdness. Selling ritual tools and costumery and such out of hides and bones? Not the weirdest thing out there, and people there tend to be more curious than condemning if it's a new thing for them.
But the street fair? Much more mainstream, and so I'm always a little nervous at these things, because I don't want a confrontation with someone who's all "OMG FUR YOU'RE EEEEVVVVVVILLLLL!!!!" I rarely get this sort of thing in person; people are more likely to be SO BRAVE online where the computer can protect them from retaliation. Still, there are the occasional folks who feel the need to try and convince me of my wicked ways, and it's always a bit of a shock when it happens.
I had one of these folks show up Saturday. She was an older-middle aged woman, and unlike most of the people who dislike my work, she didn't just walk on by with a look askance. Instead, she stopped, and looked at my booth sign which, among other things, "Eco-friendly Shamanic Art and Books". She said, in a rather accusatory manner, "Well how can *fur* be eco-friendly"?
So I gave her my stock response, since I do get this type of question a lot. I explained to her that the majority of what I work with is secondhand or reclaimed, that it all gets a ritual purification as part of my shamanic practice, and that I give part of the proceeds to nonprofits like Defenders of Wildlife and Wolf Haven International. That generally tends to be enough for most people, but she wasn't having any of it. I forget exactly what she said at this point, but it was clear she was trying to escalate the situation.
What happened next probably wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and possibly understandable under the circumstances. I was alone (other than for a couple of browsing customers) as my partner (who had just arrived from work) had stepped out for a moment. I was exhausted from trying to prepare for four big events in a three week span, I had had only five hours of broken sleep, and I had been out there in the heat for close to ten hours, mostly by myself, trying my introverted best to deal with a constant stream of people. My internal censor was down, and I just wasn't prepared to have a debate with someone I wasn't going to convince anyway.
What I would have liked to have said was "Okay, it's clear you and I aren't going to see eye to eye on this. Why don't you keep enjoying the rest of the fair instead?" What came out of my mouth instead was a weary and somewhat irritated "You know what? Mind your own opinion". To which she snapped "I think I will" and stormed off.
I know, I know, that was anticlimactic. Scary Lupa is scary. What, were you expecting a fistfight? Still, I wish I could have responded with more grace and politeness in the moment. I can tell when I'm feeling worn down and frayed at the edges by how I respond to things like this online and in person. If I'm able to talk to the person cordially and reasonably, it's a victory for me, even if they don't see things my way.
When I am confronted by someone and decide to respond, my goal is not to "win" the argument, or even to necessarily convince them I'm right. My goal is to deal with an unpleasant situation as cleanly and graciously as I can. I want to give them information; I want to have done my best to give them the facts and reasons, and let them do what they will with that material. If they don't change their mind, there's not a damned thing I can do about it. Anything beyond that is me trying to force them to change their mind, which is what some of them are trying to do to me. I don't feel that I am justified in trying to turn the tables and treat them as they have treated me; not only is it a waste of time, but I would rather model behavior to them that's more based on reasonable discussion than heated argument.
At the same time, I also understand that for some people the fur/etc. issue is a very emotional one, and so for them to see an entire booth or Etsy store full of dead animals is very upsetting. It's not easy to sit there and watch someone spit vitriol about artwork that I've put countless hours of work and creativity into. And it can be hard to not take that personally. But with the backlash against fur in American culture over the past few decades, there are a lot of people who have been raised with the idea that "fur is murder", and my work may be the first encounter they've had with an alternative viewpoint. So I also want to have as much patience with them as I can muster in the moment, because they're already pretty emotionally riled up, and provoking them further won't help. That's part of why I feel bad about how my example above ended, because it was me losing my patience, albeit at a time when my emotional defenses were pretty low.
So why go through all the trouble to try to reason with people who aren't feeling reasonable in the moment? For one thing, if I'm already dealing with someone whose opinion of me and my work is poor, the last thing I want to do is make that worse. I'd rather do my best to take the high road, and demonstrate that I don't need to sink to that level of attack. I don't always succeed; I've been in some nasty internet-based debates. But I do aspire to be a good representative of dead-critter-based artisans; we already have enough bad PR (deserved or not) to slog through, so why add to that?
This, incidentally, is why you won't see me making posts on dA or Tumblr or elsewhere specifically rallying my dead-critter connections to "go get 'em" when there's an anti-fur person making a ruckus about something I've made. It's nothing but petty internet drama, and I regret the times I fell for the bait. Do we really want to add "internet bullying" to the roster of things anti-fur people can legitimately hold against us? Additionally, if I can't handle a debate by myself, then I need to bow out of it as politely as I can, not get all my friends to attack for me.
The other reason I feel it's necessary to deal with anti-fur people gracefully is that being reasonable and calm can often de-escalate the situation, and sometimes the other person actually listens to what I have to say. Most of the time someone comes in swinging because they have preconceived notions--for example, assuming that I killed the animals whose remains I work with in my art. Once I take the time to explain to them that no, I didn't kill them myself, and that they're welcome to ask me about the origin of anything I've worked with, they often become more receptive, and then we can have a conversation like normal people.
If we go on the attack, if we snarl right back at them, if we sic all our friends on them, then all that's going to do is to make them feel more intimidated and defensive. And then you just have a bunch of people shouting at each other, and everyone goes away feeling justified in continuing to be hostile toward each other.
Sometimes I think there are people among both sides who deliberately provoke and escalate because they want to keep feeling superior to the other side, and point at the meltdown of their "enemies" as proof.
And what good is that? Wouldn't it be better if we had a reduction in this sort of argument? Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have anti-fur people yelling at us and calling us names? Wouldn't it be lovely if people knew what we were doing wasn't "murder", and that many of us have very deep aesthetic, artistic, and even spiritual reasons for what we do? Wouldn't it be great if we could just talk about our disagreements without it turning into a free-for-all where everyone goes away feeling angry and walls-up?
I know I want these things. I am not perfect. I feel ashamed for my screw-ups, where I haven't met my own expectations. But I want to be in a place where communication, not arguments, are what happen when I meet people who don't agree with me. And so I do my best to act with grace--and also to be patient with myself, especially when tired.
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I don't think it was as bad as you feel it was, but I can understand. It can work both ways too, in my case when I'm worn down and I'm in a confrontation, I can end up going into TKO mode and try to just beat them down quickly to end this so that I don't get worn out further.
Well...
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